Thursday, March 19, 2009

Through tears I write this

Ok, so I'm not really crying right now. Maybe I was a few minutes ago, as I was reading this. I was reading someone's blog (a recommendation from another friend's blog) and her life story about infertility and adoption. Now, I don't normally do that, cry while reading someone else's blog... especially someone I don't even know. But, it so tied in with what I'm going through lately and I felt I needed to share. Although I'm not battling infertility, and not considering adoption (at least not for a long time), I really have been struggling with this "mom" thing and needed some perspective. I got that perspective tonight. Jude has been going through his toddler phase. Whining, complaining, trying to get what he wants and getting so frustrated when he doesn't get it...yep, the works. At times I think I'm at the end of my rope with what to do. I don't want to raise a whiny boy who complains about everything. I know too many people like that and they are not pleasant to be around. So, after I emailed a couple of my awesome mom friends for advice, I left to go to the grocery store, thinking that I desperately needed time away from that little Tazmanian Devil. When I was at the grocery, I overheard a conversation that stopped me dead in my tracks. An employee walked up to a shopper and asked him "how is your son doing?" Which is a normal question you ask any parent whose kid you know. I figured the man's reply would be something normal like "my son's doing well in soccer this year" or "he's doing really well in school." He didn't reply as I thought. His reply was this "Well, he had his first round of chemo the other day. He didn't really know what was going on, so it was kind of hard." And then I stopped listening because my mind drifted to Jude and what I've been dealing with lately. I immedately felt convicted of my stupid attitude. At that moment, I started thanking God that we are dealing with normal toddler stuff, and not having to go through what that man and his family are going through or others who are going through things just as hard. When I read that blog that I mentioned earlier, I just broke down and cried, reading about her struggle with trying to get pregnant many times and not, then adopting her son, holding him and cherishing every minute with much I have taken and continue to take for granted! I truly am blessed, and honestly, I really don't have it that bad.

So, with all of that being said, I've had some realizations lately that I'm gonna share.
  • Lately, I've been spending way too much time on the internet. I need to spend less time doing that.
  • I don't feel like I've been real lately. I've just been kinda coasting through life. Not a good way to live.
  • I need to stop numbing myself! Been doing that a lot lately with tv and internet.
  • I'm getting rid of my other blog and just having this one, for pictures, family stuff and me stuff. I'm tired of trying to keep up with so many different things.
  • I want to start a blog design business. I'm learning about it and trying to set it all up, and I'm really excited!
  • I need to stop sweating the small stuff. Jude is going through a phase (faze?) and yes, I need to deal with it, but not freak out all about it all the time.
  • I really want to cherish my little boy. I do love him and the time I spend with him, he constantly keeps me laughing, but I need to take the time to cherish the little things, too. He is an awesome boy, and we are crazy about him. Can't you tell? I take a gazillion pictures of him ALL the time! :)


brandi said...

i'm sorry you're having a difficult time, but it's good that you got some perspective on it while at the store! jude is a lovely boy and i'm sure he'll end up well-adjusted after his toddler years.

sometimes when jeremy and i feel like we're watching too much tv or online too much we'll try to take a "tv free" week and do other things instead - knit, read, mountain bike, etc. it really helps clear your head to give up that stuff for awhile.

good luck with your blog business! maybe you could find some community classes to take on HTML or something!

rebekah said...

Brandie, I can totally relate! I honestly think that what you are going through is a very normal part of life. I remember being so down on myself at a point when Eli was about Jude's age and talking to people about i and everyone old me the same thing which is that as mothers we worry our whole live about something and usually whether or not we are good mother, cause thats just what good mothers do. I know that may not make a whole lot of sense now cause it didn't to me at first, but I get it now. So I hope you are able to make good on your commitments and don't beat yourself up too much and as funny as it sounds and tends to go against our Christian beliefs they all say You are not a good mother if you are not worrying about something. Love you girl!

Brandie said...

Thanks for your comments and encouragement, guys. This time is hard, but I know it's what every mother goes through. We'll plow through!

B-I would love to learn about HTML! I am slowly teaching myself and learning what I can online and just by messing with it. It can be pretty complicated.

Rachel Esther said...

Hi Brandie, I just came over here to your blog by way of reading your comment on Boho Girls post which totally struck a chord with me there and even more so here.

My husband and I have just moved to a new town and while it's nice enough I don't really know what to do with myself and find that I spend most of my time on the net or watching TV - avoiding a life I could be having but am too frightened to explore. Making it all worse is the guilt I feel for feeling like I am wasting the gifts, talents and opportunities God has given me. I am praying for courage!

All that to say - you're not alone, you are understood. And I pray you are brave in grasping a hold of the LIFE you have been given.